A Will Doesn't Have To Be A Four-Letter Word

My thoughts on estate planning.

I tried to write this post several times. At first I wanted a factual article, but it just sounded empty. I encountered blocks in conveying on the page what I really wanted to say.

I wanted to write on the importance of getting estate planning sorted. A statistic from a workshop I attended some years ago noted that 50% of Canadians don’t have a will. But writing those documents and figuring out what to put in them is not just a legal process, it is a matter of the heart; an incredibly intimate process wrapped up in legal words and formalities. No one likes to think about death at all, and estate planning is the ultimate task of adulting.

My parents, who were both from the Depression era, did not talk about it because people their age just didn’t do that. Wills, funerals and what to do “when the time comes” were in the same realm as discussing sex, politics, and money. My Mom passed a few years before my Dad, and even then the information just wasn’t shared, to the point that when my Dad passed, my sister and I didn’t even know where the will was located and who the executor of the estate was. This illustrates the importance of getting loved to openly talk about this, even when the conversation is difficult and awkward.

It turns out my husband was named the executor. We were unwillingly thrown into the deep end of dealing with my parents’ affairs. It is indeed true that a death in the family and a sniff of a will can either bring out the best or the worst in people. In my case, my already fractious relationship with my sister became an irrecoverable rift which took over processing the grief of my parents’ passing. I’ve since heard stories of this happening to many other families. The only good thing that came out of it was to spur my husband and I to get our own affairs in order. However, drafting our own legal directives proved a tricky task. Both our parents had passed, his remaining family were overseas, and my extended family were getting older. Plus, we were the parents of an only child and we needed to make our wishes as seamless as possible for him. The estate lawyer was empathetic to our situation and asked us necessary probing questions to enable us to create bespoke documents.

Little did we know that we would need to activate our will so soon. Nothing prepared me for the horrible shock and awe I had to deal with from the moment Garry died. It was a completely different kind of grief from that of my parents. In that hospital side room, reality hit me like one of those 16-tonne weights on Monty Python’s Flying Circus, but here there was no accompanying laugh track.

I remember going into shock, but the shock fooled me into thinking I was fine. The only thing I really remember was the doctor in charge and the social worker adroitly telling me a bunch of words and handing me a clipboard with a stack of paperwork to sign. It was way after midnight; I should’ve been asleep. I was also trying to comfort our son who was also in shock and distress. Despite the medical personnel being kind, they still operated at a professional level. They didn’t know me at all, and they were dealing with a packed emergency room of patients they had to triage. There was no family close by I could call. The other reality hit me like another 16-tonne weight. We were a family of three who always dealt with stuff on our own, but now we were a family of two, and I was the only grownup. Be brave, be brave, be brave, I had to keep telling myself, over and over. But deep down, I didn’t believe it.

Despite having that will, Garry and I never got a chance to talk about the other stuff like funeral plans. And why would we? We assumed we had time. We thought we’d grow old together. Which funeral home do you want his body released to? The doctor’s question floored me. I had no clue. All my brain could compute was the name of the one closest to my home. I quickly learned that everything about death has a dollar sign attached. At the funeral home, I was handed the invoice with the long list of surcharges and fees. I felt all of this was really insulting because no one has a choice in this. Everyone dies. Thank goodness we had savings. I wonder what people who are destitute do, how they are treated. Indeed, wills and the estates they document are a beacon of privilege reserved for those who have assets to bequeath. Even in our modern world a good portion of the planet has little to nothing to pass on.

At any rate, here are some things that I’ve learned.

Keep good records. For scatterbrained people like me, this is difficult. But it is crucial to keep files of important documents and have them accessible. Where is the deed to the house and registration to the vehicles? Where is the information about insurance policies? If both the adults should die, would your children know where to find them? If you have a safe in the home or a safety deposit box at a bank, how would that be accessed and would another person know that you even have one?

Give access to modern “keys to the kingdom.” Twenty-five years ago, we didn’t conduct our affairs in cyberspace. Social media was barely a thing. The same goes with online banking. Modern estate planning needs to reflect this. Make sure you give instructions to your executor and/or family members on how to access bank accounts, social media and other necessary online accounts. An online password manager is a fantastic tool and will save hours or aggravation and possible probate filings, but not if your loved ones don’t even know the passcode to access it.

Consider using professional executor services. My husband, when dealing with my parents’ estate, wryly observed “If you really hate a family member, make them your executor.” The fact is, executing an estate takes at least a year of hard work and countless hours of emails, appointments and phone calls. If your family situation is such that you don’t have someone who would take on and commit to this role, don’t let that stop you creating an estate plan. Many legal firms as well as financial institutions offer a professional service to distribute assets and deal with probate filings. There is a fee associated with this, and fees vary widely, so do your research. But this might be the way forward for you and ease your mind about the logistics of it, and may even prevent family conflict.

Deal With Your Clutter Now, So Someone Doesn’t Have To Later. There is something to be said for the concepts of Minimalism and Swedish Death Cleaning. Imagine your family having to deal with the piles of clutter, the knick-knacks you accrued over years, the stuffed closets and sheds. Does all that ultimately matter? Will your people want the china and furniture or just resent you for having it? It’s a good idea to be mindful of this. Besides, estate and garage sales, thrift stores and Freecycle are good reminders of just how much of a problem our obsession with stuff really is. Do your loved ones a favour and pare it down now.

In the words of a famous shoe slogan, JUST DO IT. Don’t put estate planning off. Getting this done provides huge peace of mind to both you and your family. Trust me, you never know when you might need to activate those documents.